One year is so fast. I feel really old right now even though most people who meet me for the first time think that I am 12. I remember having a incident when I was working at target where a customer said i looked like a minor. He said, hey you are not allowed to work at this age, its illegal!. i was like, um im 21. i guess it probably my chubby cheeks and flat nose that make people think that way. my facial structure is at the phase of a kid.

I am ditching class to write this blog, yet I am not failing any class. I never fail class unless i choose to give up or fail. Giving up is a choice and a hard choice. I guess when you have the drive and passion, you won't easily give up. I guess its the drive that why i give up getting good grades and alot of things in life. My family is my fuel to sucess sometimes. As anti social as i am and with no family love , im dead. Well not really because i smile even if i am dead. I smile because i don't want to think. The reason why most people are frustrated is cause they think too much.

At times, i feel like my communicating skills are deteriorating and even when i write it shows. When you don't use a skill for some time, it will be gone. Instead of speaking, i can only talk. Sometimes i wish someone at random would just ask me alot of questions, so i can have the opportunity to respond, but hardly anyone every ask.

I am antisocial, but i don't have a problem with making friends. maybe it is just because i am weird or i need to feel the "click".

I miss talking to my dad.

I miss having map so i don't get lost.


So this mother's day, i will
quit my job because i hate getting more hours, biking 11 'oclock at night to go home, taking the bus, decent looking guys.>> avoidance and blushing is hard work. My manager is really nice by giving me my prefered hours, 30. I should have change it but i am too selfish. Additionally, i don't need the money cause i have enough for couple months and no need to kill yourself by working everyday.even eating mcd is hardwork>>except the southwest style salad with crisp chicken... but but but...

anyways all i said is not my main intent, my main intent is to have time with my dad to build back our relationship which i have been avoiding. my second reason is to build up my knowledge because a job can give you an experience not happiness. Although i am not sure why i go to college and don't really like my major, but i want to because college is an experience in order to find my happiness.

I stopped going to chinese school because of my family financial problems.
I have always want to continue my study of the chinese language. I have always been fascinated with chinese tradition and periods. Everytime there is something about chinese art for example i would be aware and alert. I especially like qipao from 1940s. maybe i should major in chinese, but what can i do what chinese? maybe a minor. I never told anyone this but i suck at english because i wanted my main language to be cantonese really bad that i never speak english with my sister. it was an early choice i made and i did suffer the consequences of my choice.

The lifestyle of using bike as a transportation is sick and tiring. although you can eat biking legs. Biking may be fun as a recreational, exercise, errands, but long term transportation is well annoying. I expecially hate biking at night because night make me feel gloomy;however, morning makes me feel refresh and fit.

Deanza College is a good college. Good people than people at evergreen. Transportation is tiring, 2 hours of bus ride and when i get back i always fall asleep sometimes oversleep. So many asians and fobs that i feel like being one of them. well the saying, you are who you surround yourself with. i felt like i belong there and want to engage in hardwork.

Two more week of school left, and it is time to study. School is good if you take what you learn and put it to action. I need to adjust at now so studying would not be wasted.

I have class at 10:45. Can't wait until i get off and buy little caeser and share it with my family. i hope the bus won't be too full or the pizza smell will make people hungry. Isn't it embarrassing to carry a big pizza box in a bus.

Overall, i am weird. If you think i am weird, then what is good to be normal and average?

i will hit director i will hit director, i will hit director.!!!!!!!!!!!! i can do this even if i am lost in my thought, heart, soul and words, i 100% support my decision! i can't let my dad prove that he is right. X_X i can't fail ppl that believed in me. i have to get out of my friends house. omg i can't let my emotion rule over my goal
I have to do this. NEXT week. i know i have too. but i know i still have to be the improved tammy. smiling

at the end, a true friend is hard to find. Still i havent find someone i really want to express

this past week, i meet a very nice girl from guang dong. never have i had these family feeling once she talked to me., a feeling which i dreamt of. I've always wanted a friend that would speak in cantonese with me without judging my chinese. i've always wantedd bad to live in hongkong and have always wished to be born in hongkong. Although my whole family speak cantonese with me, but it isn't the same.

i finally decided when i made the choice to to go sat traiing. i alright knew the result but still did it.
anyways feel so full, i guess cause of the icecream i ate last night. X_X lactose intoleranceX_X my stomach was like 3 volcano lava blowing up. freaken gas forming...i like mcdonald ice cream better :)

negative:
guilty of not taking responsible of my mom and housecleaning
feel childish
not allowing to enter home anymore
my dad sad and lonely
getting whip
not being able to eat my dad's cooked food
not being there to make my dad smile
my sister being lonely cause i am her only friend
my dog being lonely
helping my mom get her weekly exercise at the fleemarket or mall.
my room being rent
all my stuff being throw out.

Positive:
finally get a taste of life
make ppl who i rent room from prefered customer
finally get to make my own decision
no procastination
internet without having to go to garage
can call ppl without feeling guilty
a new way of excitement and wonders
make money and sent $300 to dad
get uncomfortable
improve my communication
learn how to use money wisely
to doubt my dad that i do make it out there
lose weight
hangout with new friends
able to concentrate better
positive attitude
able to find my potential
able to improve myself mentally
make money
do what i usually don't do


done more to add soon :)

i want food :)

dear journal. lifes been good. i have been a bit too excited .i guess when one person is excited it leads on.

although i am still shaping and searching up for my whys. i found a goal that i can continue to work on. Every month, the first i would give my dad $200. from my calgrant, but this month i didn't give my dad any money. no wonder i finished my calgrant. i have been doing this since my 2nd year in college. Yet on the bright side it would be my motivation, to motive me to run.

for my goal for every month the first is to give my dad $300. not only does my dad smile, but its a lesson in life and show my responsibility. my dad teach me well.

lately i am afraid of growing back to my oldself again. i can think. .. got to practice. talk more talk more.

what i am working on is to feel how it is like to be in someone shoe.

determination??

before my 20th birthday, i will make my last week of being 19 year old a memory.

Next week :) would be a new day and a new beginning. smile and be excited. I will reach platinum, i will reach platinum, i will reach platinum, i will reach platinum,i will reach platinum, i will reach platinum. tammy u can do it, tammy u cando it, tammy u can do it. self talk is a good thing.

speaking is my weakness, but i will be my prominent in the future :)

on the other hand, i got to use what i learn as a tool or it will just lie there.

lol. after looking through my old xanga i saw how diffrerent i see things now. its weird why i had so much xanga. i guess that shows what kind of person i am.

http://www.xanga.com/xsimply_sensationlx
http://www.xanga.com/x03cottoncandylov3rx
http://www.xanga.com/sweetn4evatammy

my dad brought red tulips from homedepot and planted it on our front yard. at first i thought it was roses. for some reason, i missed gardening with my dad. one day i hope to have to my garden.

i can't believed the week is ending so fast. iwant to eat icecream rightnow, but then mcd is closed. usually be4 closing time, i would walk all the way to mcd and stock up on jordana makeup at savemart, which is a bargain. 4 piece of makeup for $5. very pigmented. I wish someone can do that withme , and i wish to find someone like me. if there were more of me, life would be alittle different. and because i am different i got to do something about it.

Today most of myevening, i spent it with my mom and dad. We went to the flee market and then to target or eastridge. i guess because i have changed that i don't enjoy it now like i used to. i started to understand why i wanted to get out of this life. My mind was prooccupied and i wanted to go home yet i stuck through it.

i knew i had the choice to not go, Although it felt

like dragging, but i voluntarily went because i didn't want my dad to feel sad with a no. That's y in life i always say yes, because i know for a fact that when i say no it would hurt them cause i know how it feels. Do the opposite and it can get u somewhere.
what differs me and my sister is she say no and i say yes. because of the yes, my dad started to like me and would alway drag me to go out with my mom and him. sometimes in life u got to act before ur emotion comes into action.

like eating, although i love eating yet sometimes i don't eat when im suppose to. and cause i love my dad i eat whenever he cooks or drag me to eat. thanx to my dad i am not underweight :)

at the fleemarket today, i saw a young boy playing toys at 2 locations near the used toy section. Although he doesn't buy the toys he played the toy and the left which reminded me of one of my mentors. overall, it was a cute memory and i would save it. for some weird reason i wanted to buy the toy for the boy but than without these situation how can one grow. When i was little i would always want to play toys in stores or at the fleemarket yet my dad always yell at me to not touch.

these were the things i usually do and it brought back many memories.The reason why i stop socializing for a long period of time in addition to looking at my mom was because i hated humans. Why are they so emotional and why dothey judge uand this and that. Rethinking of what i used to think, i shouldn't have hated human. i should have point fingers at myself cause i am human too.