i finally decided when i made the choice to to go sat traiing. i alright knew the result but still did it.
anyways feel so full, i guess cause of the icecream i ate last night. X_X lactose intoleranceX_X my stomach was like 3 volcano lava blowing up. freaken gas forming...i like mcdonald ice cream better :)

negative:
guilty of not taking responsible of my mom and housecleaning
feel childish
not allowing to enter home anymore
my dad sad and lonely
getting whip
not being able to eat my dad's cooked food
not being there to make my dad smile
my sister being lonely cause i am her only friend
my dog being lonely
helping my mom get her weekly exercise at the fleemarket or mall.
my room being rent
all my stuff being throw out.

Positive:
finally get a taste of life
make ppl who i rent room from prefered customer
finally get to make my own decision
no procastination
internet without having to go to garage
can call ppl without feeling guilty
a new way of excitement and wonders
make money and sent $300 to dad
get uncomfortable
improve my communication
learn how to use money wisely
to doubt my dad that i do make it out there
lose weight
hangout with new friends
able to concentrate better
positive attitude
able to find my potential
able to improve myself mentally
make money
do what i usually don't do


done more to add soon :)

i want food :)

dear journal. lifes been good. i have been a bit too excited .i guess when one person is excited it leads on.

although i am still shaping and searching up for my whys. i found a goal that i can continue to work on. Every month, the first i would give my dad $200. from my calgrant, but this month i didn't give my dad any money. no wonder i finished my calgrant. i have been doing this since my 2nd year in college. Yet on the bright side it would be my motivation, to motive me to run.

for my goal for every month the first is to give my dad $300. not only does my dad smile, but its a lesson in life and show my responsibility. my dad teach me well.

lately i am afraid of growing back to my oldself again. i can think. .. got to practice. talk more talk more.

what i am working on is to feel how it is like to be in someone shoe.

determination??

before my 20th birthday, i will make my last week of being 19 year old a memory.

Next week :) would be a new day and a new beginning. smile and be excited. I will reach platinum, i will reach platinum, i will reach platinum, i will reach platinum,i will reach platinum, i will reach platinum. tammy u can do it, tammy u cando it, tammy u can do it. self talk is a good thing.

speaking is my weakness, but i will be my prominent in the future :)

on the other hand, i got to use what i learn as a tool or it will just lie there.

lol. after looking through my old xanga i saw how diffrerent i see things now. its weird why i had so much xanga. i guess that shows what kind of person i am.

http://www.xanga.com/xsimply_sensationlx
http://www.xanga.com/x03cottoncandylov3rx
http://www.xanga.com/sweetn4evatammy

my dad brought red tulips from homedepot and planted it on our front yard. at first i thought it was roses. for some reason, i missed gardening with my dad. one day i hope to have to my garden.

i can't believed the week is ending so fast. iwant to eat icecream rightnow, but then mcd is closed. usually be4 closing time, i would walk all the way to mcd and stock up on jordana makeup at savemart, which is a bargain. 4 piece of makeup for $5. very pigmented. I wish someone can do that withme , and i wish to find someone like me. if there were more of me, life would be alittle different. and because i am different i got to do something about it.

Today most of myevening, i spent it with my mom and dad. We went to the flee market and then to target or eastridge. i guess because i have changed that i don't enjoy it now like i used to. i started to understand why i wanted to get out of this life. My mind was prooccupied and i wanted to go home yet i stuck through it.

i knew i had the choice to not go, Although it felt

like dragging, but i voluntarily went because i didn't want my dad to feel sad with a no. That's y in life i always say yes, because i know for a fact that when i say no it would hurt them cause i know how it feels. Do the opposite and it can get u somewhere.
what differs me and my sister is she say no and i say yes. because of the yes, my dad started to like me and would alway drag me to go out with my mom and him. sometimes in life u got to act before ur emotion comes into action.

like eating, although i love eating yet sometimes i don't eat when im suppose to. and cause i love my dad i eat whenever he cooks or drag me to eat. thanx to my dad i am not underweight :)

at the fleemarket today, i saw a young boy playing toys at 2 locations near the used toy section. Although he doesn't buy the toys he played the toy and the left which reminded me of one of my mentors. overall, it was a cute memory and i would save it. for some weird reason i wanted to buy the toy for the boy but than without these situation how can one grow. When i was little i would always want to play toys in stores or at the fleemarket yet my dad always yell at me to not touch.

these were the things i usually do and it brought back many memories.The reason why i stop socializing for a long period of time in addition to looking at my mom was because i hated humans. Why are they so emotional and why dothey judge uand this and that. Rethinking of what i used to think, i shouldn't have hated human. i should have point fingers at myself cause i am human too.

Happy Valentine Day

Dear Mr. Ventagon,

Sorry i haven't been updating this journal. I guess because i am still not good with organizing my time. Recently, 3 months ago, my sister's friend introduced me to life changing opportunity.It was than that i realize that i shouldn't be a doll anymore waiting each day feeling lost.

This week was a week of confusion, mistakes and my bad habits kicking in. . I've not been accomplishing many of my spoken words and goals. After this week of feeling lost, i hope to really do more than i can and stop my emotions from acting apon it. I will take into action of what i learned. It is these little action that get us further in life. I will do homework and I will not upset anyone.
i had wrote alot, but then i didn't save it. What i edit after the above post was what i felt, but then i accidently didn't save it as a post and now all the after post i have in mind is deleted.

On the other hand, valentine day starts in 2 hours. Occasionally, on Valentine i would buy little valentine day cards and stick chocolate kisses on them to give it to friend but this year my mind was so preoccupied that i forgot to make them. i thought of kniting little heart plushies and give it to ppl but it was too much of a hassle. My friend thought was cute:)

it was thursday that i got back into the habit of looking at knitting pattern when a friend of mine pointed out and questioned whether i still knit or not. i've decided to start knitting again.

Dear abandon journal,

lifes been fine, but i have been quite lazy. but lazy as i am, i still manage to do my homework and avoiding my social life. although this might sounds like a bad thing but i do get through life being optimistic. it feels like every min, my dad have something for me to do. i mean its not like i don't like it, but i want some free time to myself. sometimes i just want to go out and breathe air, i guess im breathing air yet it is not the air i freely want. ok this doesn't even make sense. im always at home looking at the 4 corners, sometimes im afraid that i might go into depression. other then that, my symptoms of alzheimer is haunting me. i think i might have it despite the studying i do everyday. it's genetics i believe.

omg i want to go to jolin tsai concert in san jose state, several vip seats left. but and i know i can't go even if i asked my dad. i want to go.

i ordered costal scent 88 eyeshadow palette. hopes it comes. cause everynew thing i get brings a smile to my face.